October 18, 2018 – Yankee Hill, California

“Here we go
Down that same old road again”

(Deep in thought, I sit in the living room, staring blankly at my computer. Before a hiking trip a few days ago, I stopped in town for coffee and received some news from my sister in Las Vegas: after living there for five years with her husband and now with a child, they’re considering buying a house in central Iowa. What are you going to do, Nicholas? Is it time for a significant change in the plan? More balance between your family and helping other families?)

What is that?

I look up from my computer as I immediately recognize the intro to Dredg’s “Same Ol’ Road” coming from somewhere in the house. Alora is mimicking Rachel as she talks with Jacob in the hall. Natoma is in the kitchen playing with Jacob’s phone…

“Sympathy unfolds the shell that holds
All the beauty within
Here we go
Down that same old road again”

Jacob enters the kitchen to retrieve his phone. “Was that a Dredg ringtone?” I ask. “You know Dredg?” He responds. This event spawns a high five proceeded by a lengthy conversation about the band, the album (one of our favorites of all time), covering their songs when I played in a band, etc. Jacob can’t speak highly enough about the album; we are both amazed to find another person so loving of it. What are the odds?

“A memory
A regret
A hope”

Though the concept album is about sleeping disorders, the lyrics speak to me differently due to the current dwellings of my mind.

“Here we go
Down that same old road again
Empathy controls the wind that blows
And tickles our skin”

The thought of helping my sister in the way I’ve helped hosts over the last four years excites and terrifies me at the same time. Yes, I want stronger and more consistent relationships with them and the rest of my family. Yes, I want to know my nephew and not be the traveling uncle he never sees. Those thoughts excite me.

“Recent it seems
We must push on, we must push on
Though we bleed
We must push on, we must push on”

What’s terrifying isn’t necessarily the scenario that I become rerooted back in Iowa. I know I could “alter” the plan and potentially find a compatible partner. Travel less, host more. And maybe I could be happy. Or fall under the illusion of happiness. But what if my mind plays tricks on me and I end up hurting people? Can a more “normal” life ever be enough for me now, changing as much as I have? Hence lies the fear—not only in failing the initial goal of the project and letting myself down, but also in backsliding psychologically. No longer being able to lead by example in the same way. Falling well short of my journey toward selflessness, as I continue to grant control of my life to my emotions.

Failing the tests I have placed for myself.

“All you need is a modest house in a modest neighborhood
In a modest town where honest people dwell
Making the cleanest energy for the greenest plants to grow
The richest soil that is drenched with the freshest rain
Then you should sit in your backyard
Watch clouds peak over the tallest mountain tops
‘Cause they unveil honest opinions about the stars”
– “Same Ol’ Road,”  Dredg