November 3, 2015 – Lutsen, Minnesota

Change is hard.

Even for me. This time is different though. Different in a way that’s much too familiar. Too easy. Due to that, I can sense a level of depression building inside. I attribute this feeling to certain factors included in this transition:

1. I’m not staying with a host family for the first time this year. It’s true that I anticipated and planned this necessary break to replenish my bank account and continue my journey, but being here now feels strange. Hypocritical almost. I mean, I’m living in the employee housing area at a resort. A far cry from where I was two days ago. I feel an overwhelming urge to find a volunteering opportunity as soon as possible. Get connected with a local person or family; offer some assistance to someone, anyone.

2. I’m one step closer to leaving behind all of the amazing people I’ve met this year. Not to mention the fact that I’ve grown closer to my family in Minnesota due to spending more time with them this year than in any before it. My heart has grown fond of this state and its inhabitants, and I have plans to leave it all in March.

3. I have a television in my room. I haven’t had this kind of access to the world all year. It could actually be the biggest cause of my depression as of late… I’ll get stuck watching TV, knowing that my time can be better spent elsewhere, but it’s right there and I’ll just have it on in the background, just for the white noise… then three hours go by. Stupid, Nick. You can literally do anything else and be happier with how you spent your time.

4. There’s no real personal challenge here. No spiritual growth in sight. I’ll be serving food and drinks to guests of the resort – a line of work I’ve maintained off and on for the last ten years. Familiar territory.

This is not my first encounter with depression by any means, but it’s of a different nature this time. I’m sure the feeling will pass, but the point is this: one’s environment can have drastic effects on their psychological state. No, this is not news. Most people can even say that they’ve experienced this exact emotion or conflict in relation to certain circumstances. But I doubt most people have experienced a ten-month long endeavor in which they felt their life was more meaningful than ever before, just to come back to a temporarily “normal” existence.

This is my new low.

“Without a struggle, there can be no progress.” – Frederick Douglass